Tales from the Basement

Well it’s summer cleaning time at the office, my favorite time of year, I love going down to the basement and looking at the files. Just a few quicks from below.

1. The Hindenburg disaster is actually the first known fireworks accident when a rogue bottle rocket hits the big balloon. Little boy told to keep quiet.
2. Amelia Earhart, part of an alien exchange program. As of 1986 she was alive and well living on the moon of Jupiter.
3. The Cuban Missile Crisis was actually caused by Khrushchev’s desire to build the largest popsicle sculpture in the world. US planes mistakenly identify the popsicle sticks as a missile base.
4. Computerized Axial Tomography (cat scan) actually invented by David Bowie while he was playing with magnets and mercury from broken thermometers.
5. Michael Jordan is an artificial intelligence robot created by Steven Hawking for the sole purpose dominating the NBA.
6. The Lord of the Rings is actually a historical document not fiction.
7. Snow monkeys now rule middle earth.
8. The Geico lizard is actually in charge of the Soviet Union.
9. Tiger Woods has bionic limbs.
10. The Hubble telescope is actually an Alien prison Camp that is overcrowded thus causing the creation of the international space station (penal colony).

Isralies Don't share Food

The other day I was roaming around headquarters heading to the vending machine for a sandwich. Upon getting there I noticed that once again it had been booby trapped. The boys at the office always think its funny to wire the food buttons to the taser system. All I have to say to that is, nobody but nobody fools Josh Stone 5 times in a row, but I digress. Having become apparent there would be no vending machine purchase, I proceeded to scrounge around the SABR (secret agent break room). The problem with SABR'S is nothing is ever as it appears. Fridges are actually safes, coffee makers are fax machines, Cookies are really hockey pucks, you get the picture. Anyway, no food, thats when i stumbled into the SAL (secret agent library). I was going to get the manual on how to disable the booby trapped vending machine when i noticed a button behind the Tropic of Cancer book. I pressed the button (just a note, you should never go around just pressing miscellaneous buttons you find in a secret agent office, but I'm a professional) and low and behold the entire bookcase swung open and guess what I found inside. That's right, SNOW MONKEYS, just kidding, I found a refrigerator with a large Roast Beef sandwich in it. Having already concluded that fate wanted me to have this sandwich I ate it and proceeded on with my day. That's when it happened. Agent Abram Epstein in voice very much like syid from the tv show Lost asked me, "Stone, have you seen my sandwich?" As the blood drained from my face for some reason all I could think to say was, "it wasn't roast beef was it?". To which he replied, "yes it was and it was mine. Did you take it?" As I was running for the door screaming, "It's just a sandwich, It's just a sandwich!" Agent Epstein, who was not very amused, was yelling he never should have saved me from those canables the Amazon Jungle. He was also hell bent on exacting some kind of revenge on me for eating his sandwich. I managed to get out the door and headed down the hall, as I was running by the break room, I couldn't help but notice that my partner Nutzoff was rolling around on the floor convulsing in front of the vending machine. I thought to myself, "good job boys, stupid nutzoff." It was at this moment that I noticed I was no longer moving foward and felt the iron grip of a less than well meaning Epstein on my neck. As I began to lose conscieness the last thing I remember was Epstein screaming "Isralies don't share food. Isralies don't share food!!" I awoke 2 days later with those words still ringing in my ears....good times....good times.

BlackSheep Brother

Secret Agents like everyone else have crazy family. The Stone family is no different. It has recently come to our attention that my brother Mark has used his years of Secret Agent Training for something shall we say....less than making the world a better place to live............

Secret Agent Training

Ah yes, its that time of year again....Secret Agent Training, or as we call it, What would you do. Once again it's off to the training facility beneath Mount St. Helens. Nutzoff and I have been teamed with the Germans for the participation portion of the training. The following situations were presented to us. With are solutions.
Scenario 1: A British tourist comes up and ask if you'd like a fag. What is the proper response.
As the ambulance pulled away I informed the Germans that shooting him was not what we would do. I then informed the captain the proper procedure would have been to politely explain that Nutzoff and I are deeply involved and then thank him for his interest. It was at this point the captain asked me if I had any asprin and told the trainer to move on to the next scenario, leaving me wondering what the hell just happened.......More scenarios to come.....

10 Questions Most asked by Agents

As a secret agent I find that whenever I change partners I seem to hear the same questions over and over, so I made a list of the 10 most questions i'm asked, I present this to you, the reader.

10. Did you hear that?
09. Who are those guys?
08. When did we get to Istanbul?
07. Holy crap, where did that come from?
06. Should we stop that from bleeding?
05. Is that nerve gas?
04. Where's the snake bite kit?
03. Where's the Bazooka?
02. Did you know spiders could do that?
01. I've been injected with what!?

Assigned New Partner

Well it has happened. Due to the Snow Monkey incident at the stake out, I have been assigned a new partner. Internal review determined that no one was at fault but decided A switch was necessary......So welcome aboard........Dumazz Nutzoff from the Moscow division. We should have many interesting adventures ahead of us..... Stone Out........

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE FROM THE D.O.S.A.A.S.

As of 2-18-09, Coconut wielding monkey alert has been elevated to def con 2 and will continue to be so until further noticed.
All agents across the globe are immediately urged to suspend unnecessary vacation time and report to the HQ nearest your position.
There has been an increase in Monkey related incidents over the past several weeks culminating in an all out brutal attack in Connecticut. Though there has been no concrete evidence to suggest the monkeys are on the attack, intel has crossed our desk possibly linking the attack in Connecticut with a rogue band of Monkey chunkers lead by an increasingly hostile cell of Snow Monkeys.
All agents should be on the look out for any suspecious gatherings of monkeys or gorrilas and report the activity immediatly. There is also evidence to suggest that orangutans could be involved as well.........